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I have been so stressed lately i just keep thinking about getting on a bus and leaving everything thing behind.
I am over the stress and my family and school and work everything that encompasses my life i want to run from.
the only person i would bring on this trip is G who is one of my oldest dearest friends because i know she would balance me out and keep me sane. She is the type of person who i can trust with anything no matter how good or bad and she always manages to make me feel better if it's only for a little while.

my moods have been everywhere lately i hate it, i was feeling stable for so long, why cant i control my moods why are they still up and down even with my meds? it's not fair but then again life isn't fair and i know that better then most.

rant about the stepmom

warning this rant doesn't have proper anything when it comes to grammar because it's a fucking rant

i hate the fact that my parents take me for granted like ok i know they do so much for me and i shouldn't complain but like fuck a thank you would be nice some time for the fact that i do most of the house work. My stepmom pisses me off like ok i get the fact you work and all but you hardly ever do lundry and if you do im the one folding it also she always complains how i never put stuff away , but yet she never does i ALWAYS do it for her. One thing that pisses me off is that when i fold the lundry she never puts it ways so it sits there until it's unfolded again and i have to refold it. She does shit on purpose to get under my skin and i have to bite my tonuge so much around her. She is also a homophobe like bitch it's not effecting your life in anyway and it's love what so wrong about that who cares if they are the same sex? Im a liberal atheist who is for green incentives and LGBT rights she NONE of those things. Someday i just wanna be like i had sex with a women and it was amazingggggg ( even though i haven't, hence the one day). The topping on the cake was that after working 8 days striaght im sitting on the sofa relaxing and she comes home from work at her 9-5 and is like " Oh move i am taking over the sofa" like ugh i just want to screammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

rant over

also she doesn't see how fucked up the story of Twilight she has read the books even ( which ok i did to but like at least i know they are shitty) and thinks they are amazing yet the Harry Potter series is dumb ok like bitch you couldn't handle the complex story that it is ( which ok it's not super duber complex) but i still love it and all.
ALSO WHAT FUCKING 36 year old watches the MTV Award just for the cast ?! even i didn't really give a fuck about it.

May. 25th, 2011

So last night one of my oldest friends had a b-day party. It was a surprise and my cousin told me I wasn't invite, I am deeply hurt my this. Most of my friends seem to ignore me lately like fuck you really, I am hurt I don't trust let a lone let people in easily so this is a betrayal.

I've been quite unstable for the past two weeks and I'm just a mess right now because of this which I know is dumb but i'm angry and hurt and heart broken I feel so a lone and all I want to do is cut. Im trying so hard to fight it because it won't hurt my friends in anyway just me ill be the one left with a scar and they aren't worth that much.

I wanna just say fuck it and not talk to them ever again but I know I cant do that, I'm not that strong.

"Every one I know goes away in the end." sung Johnny Cash, for me it's true.

I have a bunch of issues I am the first to admit that. I have trust issues and I am so hurt by the whole party thing , I want to scream and punch something, i've been crying since I was told I couldn't come basically, I feel that I am going to give in what I need is strength right now, because I don't have any left.

On another note I love my mom but she drives me fucking crazy like she focus to much on me and it's suffocating, like I just want her to give me room. The problem is I'm an only child, she doesn't really have a job, she has always seen me as more of a friend and I feel like I'm more of an adult at times, she has abandonment issues, and also depression and I have bipolar not a good combo.

I have this fantasy of just running away from home leaving and never coming back I would still talk to my parents of course and my one friend G who I would make come with me, but the rest can go fuck themselves.
I want to hit the open road and just travel and see America, do handy jobs and random work to live, I want to fly under the radar, just being maybe writing. All i want is to just BE and not have to do what society wants me to do with my life four plus years of college a job right after 401k and all a husband and 2.5 kids with a house in the suburbs and a dog, out of all of that i just want the fucking dog


She was broken and nothing could fix her because the truth was she gave up a long time ago. Before she has lost James and her's baby, and the drinking was a way to numb the pain she felt, Beau was a light in the darkness and for a brief time she had been happy with him. But she knew it could never last, but in her last moments alive before the deadly mix of booze and pills kicked in she didn't think about James, not her music, not her fans, not her baby, but only of Beau and his sweet smile.
Im not one who likes labels except for when they are designer and on my clothes, but for people no. The fact that people of my generation don't realize that the fact people part of the LBGT community are being denied there civil rights as not only Americans, but as humans is sad and makes me angry.

People are scared to come out because of the fear of telling people who they are. Young people feel the need to hide there true selves with this comes shame and with shame of yourself comes the hate, hate for yourself. WE who don't SPEAK UP are promoting this its 2010 almost 2011 people shouldn't be ashamed of themselves or who they want to have sex with ( because when you are young sex is more important then love because aren't we all just a bunch of cynics anyway when we're young, anyway?) and when you are older, love.

A lot of people question their sexuality when they are teens and there nothing wrong with it, its part of self discovery after all. I myself questioned it I decide I was straight , but open. I have recently decided that since i'm also attached to girls, why don't I just date one. The problem is I don't know anyone ha.

So my friend is going to try and set me up with someone. Who knows how that will work out, but all I know is i'm ready for anything!

my rambling

 sometime i wish  i could be reborn. Start my life over and not repeat the mistakes,but then again arent they the things that made me me and i know i have learned from my experiences and faults and mistakes.  one thing that makes me me is my bipolar, and sometimes i live it sometimes i hate but either way i have to live with it.  It has made me open minded compassionate a better person period and for that im am always a bit thankful i have it. I now fight and stand up for minorities. I know how it feels to have the general population have an idea of what you are like even though they dont know you or your condition. It has been hard to know that my family hasnt really accepted it outside of my parents. My uncle said to my father " she might be less depressed if she had more friends or joined the track team" 
to this my father replied " its a good day when i can keep her from not killing herself" 
my grandfather is trying to understand which for him is very out of character  he is to simply put it more of a puzzle then a rubic cube.

i could go on with this rant but 1. im sick 2. im tired and 3. i want to watch tv.

Writer's Block: Coast Range

If you had to choose, would you rather live in the mountains or by the ocean?
the ocean. i lived by it my whole life and plus im a pisces :)